Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A Pool Story

I always seem to have problems, I don't know why these things happen to me, they just do. Anna said once that I have an odd spin on life and that I don't see it like everyone else. I see it as most of the crazy crap happens to me. Anyways, this happened quite a few years ago but as I was working on the pool it ran threw my head. So here is just another crazy story......
My daughter had a couple of friends over to swim which is pretty normal for a hot summer day. And one of the girls moms came over to chit chat. See nothing out of the ordinary yet but wait. So Patty(the mom) ran home to change over her laundry and I messed with the pool. We inherited the pool when we bought the house and I have to say that it had been a nice treat in the summer until this day. And if you do it right, it's really not that expensive unless you have to pay for a funeral or a boob job. You just have to keep up with it. So the kids continued to swim and I goobered on a massive glob of joint compound on a leaky pipe. And then I heard this very odd sound coming from the garage, it sounded like Niagara Falls. That's odd I thought and then it hit me! Holy crap, the pump for the pool is in the garage! Shit, shit, shit, I said (I know don't talk like that in front of the kids and I was punished for it by Karma). I took off sprinting into the side door of the garage. There are a few things that I should explain before I go any farther. A pool pump is exactly that, a pump. And you have no idea how much water it is pumping until the lid blows off. And the electrical box is metal. And would you like to guess where all the wiring and switches for the geyser are..... yes right next to the pump. Not only is the damn thing moving a butt load of water, it is sucking in a major amount of electrical current. And on with the story.....
So I fling open the door only to realize it is pumping all of the water in my face and up my nose. I cleaned out my sinus cavity the moment I stepped into the garage. My glasses were forced up and water went under my eyelids. It was like a massive douche for my face.I wanted to cuss but I was drowning. So right here a smart person would have backed out of the garage and killed the power to the pump by throwing the breaker. I'm going with all the water in my head clouded my judgment! So being the rocket scientist that I am. I reached out and grabbed the metal switch to turn off the pump. (side note-I have a heart murmur) Now I know that this entire thing played out in a few seconds but it felt like a life time. The current ran threw me like nothing I could ever have imagined. They say that drowning would be a peaceful way to pass. Having water forced up your nose and being shocked to death is not the way I want to cross over. The first thing I realized was that it was very, very hard to move. The second thing was this was a very good way to piss your heart off. It was jumping around and spasming. Please don't forget that water is being forced up my nose at 3450 RPM. And last but not least, I was pretty sure that my nipple was on fire. I'm not sure how it happened but it felt like it had burst into flames. I even questioned how I could be drowning and on fire at the same time. But alas, it is me we are talking about. I heard the kids screaming that all the water was running out of the pool. And then I realized that an electrical current could travel through the water and shock all the kids in the pool. I mustered all the strength that I had, broke free and shut off the pump. It was like God reached out and saved me except my nipple. The water stopped being forced up my nose and the electrocution stopped. But I was sure that my nipple exploded. I managed to find the top for the pump and screw it back on all the while holding my boob. I flopped down on the little step outside the door and Patty jogged up to me. "What the Hell happened?" she said. "I thought your pool sprung a leak, most of your water is in the road, you know?" And then she actually looked at me, there I sat in all of my glory. My heart jumping around so much that it was taking my breath away, soaking wet from head to toe, water pouring out of my nose and me not even trying to stop it and I was clutching my spasming nipple in my hand. I live a glorious life.
Guess what I learned that day, I need to be more careful around water and electricity. Just an FYI for all my friends.
Thanks for Reading,

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