Monday, June 15, 2009

Needing to Vent





Things aren't going so well for me lately. I have to say that I am more honest and open with all of my blogging friends than I am in the real world. In the real world, I only have a few very close friends that I tell everything to but here I feel safe. So unfortunately, you get more of the real SonyaAnn than anyone else. My condolences!
So I'm going to tell you a little bit of my background. Dennis isn't Anna's biological father but he is without a doubt, her dad. And the few people in the "real" world that have tried to argue that point haven't come out the winners. I admire him so much for this. Anna'a bio-father left us when she was 2. He drained the bank account, had run up the credit cards and took the only car we had and left me with the payments. And then my mother gave him $10,000 to fight me for custody of Anna, they tried to have me institutionalized and have DCFS take Anna. Mind you I was only 22 but looking back on it I was one Hell of a fighter. I ended up filing bankruptcy which was ALL my fault. I was responsible for myself and my bills and I should have put my foot down but was too weak. My ex put me in the hospital and I've had restraining orders against him. And he hasn't paid child support for years. And this is just what he does. He has repeated this with many woman. And I'm really not mad about it, believe it or not I'm glad that I'm where I am now. I believe there is purpose in our journey and I'm lucky. If I hadn't gone through all of that, I couldn't be who I am today. And because of all of that, I appreciate my family even more. I don't hate my ex and his family but I would like for them to leave me alone. But it's just not going to happen. So here is my problem, Anna loves to go and visit them. They do love her and she has a cousin that is her age that she adores. So his mother is flying her out there. His mother blames me for all of the problems in his life. Why not?!? It can't be his fault after all. Den finally told him that he can't talk to me anymore because he is just getting worse. Which is what we should have done a long time ago? He wouldn't dare abuse Den. I just didn't want Den to have to solve my problems so I suffered for years. See how stubborn I am. Anna will be flying out there for a visit in a few weeks. So they booked everything without asking and just assumed that I would drive her to the airport at 3am. So he bullies me and is still forcing me to do what he wants. I told Den that I feel like firing off an angry email asking how are they going to get her to the airport. So Den said if you ask a question and you already know the answer than you are just starting a fight. I hate when he is right! And the upsetting thing is, this is never going to end. Even when Anna turns 18, I will still take care of her. I guess that I'm just upset that they can still force me to do for them, my ex will never pay child support, and threatens me whenever he wants. I try to take the high road and never say anything even when his mother calls screaming at the top of her lungs that I block her calls. To which I answer, well you got threw now, unfortunately. In the end, I will always do for Anna that's just what a good parent does. It just makes me mad that he has no contact with her for 6-8 months at a time and I still have to do for them. I know I could take him back to court but he works for cash and just jumps from one woman to the next and one job to the next. I've tried to get it and he just won't pay and because he moves from state to state and it makes it even harder. I just hope that Karma will intervene.
Please just say something nice so I stop crying. I'm tired of feeling bullied. I have very little contact with my family but because of Anna I still have to deal with my ex and his side. I know in my heart that dealing with them and being civil is the best thing for Anna but it's the worst on me. I could go on for hours about what a SOB he is. Like calling Anna and telling her that he was getting a divorce because her soon to be ex-step mom hated her. And I had to tell her that it was because he was caught cheating again. Or when he kicked her 1 month old sister and wife(different woman) out of his house because he was on to the next woman. When Anna was little, I never flat out said anything, I just pointed out the other side. Now I'm more vocal about it. I know she doesn't like it but I ask her to look at it from my point of view now that she is older. And Anna is very protective of her little sister and I said that is how I felt when he pulled stunts when she was little. So I think that she is getting an idea of the pain he is causing.
I'm not going to change this, I've accepted that. But the high road sucks sometimes!
Thanks for being my shoulder to cry on,
SonyaAnn

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