Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Near Death By Pool Part 2

I'm really just not that bright. So many extremely funny and horribly painful things happen around here. I have so many times tried to figure out why and I think that it is a combination of things. First off, Murphy's law is written in our house. Secondly, I don't scare easily so I'm never really looking at the danger aspect of the situation. And thirdly, I just have to admit that I'm not that bright. It's alright I'm coming to terms with it. All I want for Christmas, is a bib and a helmet. I know that it isn't P.C. to use the word retarded but for some reason people around me seem to disregard being proper and hurl that word at me. I think that I scare people and they just forget their manners. Anyways, on with the show...........
My neighbor Patty has a pool just like we do. So we would help each other the beginning of every summer open them. And for you all that don't have a pool that means rehooking all of the pvc pipes, draining the water off of the tarp, removing the tarp, filling the pool, and getting all of the antifreeze out of the lines. It's a pretty straight forward process and it goes much faster when two people work on it. So we would get one pool hooked up and then we would repeat the process at the other house. We had done this quite a few times so we knew exactly what needed to be done and we were like a well oiled machine. The only problem is I'm involved so there were bound to be problems. The most difficult part of this entire thing is getting the huge tarp off. Our pool is 18x33 and the tarp hangs off the edges. So it's big, bulky and there is an entire seasons worth of leaves and water on top of it. So it has to be drained. This is so crucial because if you don't get all of that off, it is almost impossible to lift the tarp up and out of the pool. So I got a hose out of the shed and put it in the mucky water on top of the tarp. All I needed to do was get a suction going and the pool would drain itself. (Why do I tell you all about what an idiot I am?) So Patty is holding one end of the hose under water and I'm trying to fill the entire hose with the mucky, smelly, slimy water. And then I would cover the end of the hose with my hand and quickly pull the hose out and hope that it would start to siphon the water off. No matter what we did the damn thing just wouldn't suck. (And right about here you are thinking God there has to be a better way to do this. And there is, a shop vac!) So we worked and fought with it and just couldn't get it started. We were wasting so much time on this one little thing and we had so many other little projects to do and we still had her pool to get started. So we decided she should start working on hooking the pvc pipes back up to the pump. And I'm left with my arms in the swamp muck still trying to fill the hose and then yank it out all the while praying it will start to siphon. So she walks to the other side of the pool and drops down and starts hooking everything back up. So she can't see me and I can't see her. So here is the part where I once again almost killed myself. What if I just sucked on the hose? That would get the suction going and I could put an end to this crap. So I filled the hole up the best that I could and brought one end out. I, of course, carefully wiped off my end of the hose because that would be so gross if I got any of it on my mouth. I could get sick, right? So here is my little problem. I couldn't hold onto the other end of the hose and my end of the hose at the same time. I tried but I was failing miserably at it. Anyways, I put the sort of clean hose to my mouth and start sucking(there are a few dirty jokes in here, if you haven't noticed). What I failed to realize because I didn't really pay attention in science class that you could get a reverse siphon going on. And that is exactly what happened. The other end of the hose popped up out of the water and instead of sucking the water out of the hose, we reversed gears and my face was getting sucked into the hose. And this was no garden hose, it was the beast of all hoses. My lips were being sucked in and the damn thing sucked all of the air out of my lungs in a nanosecond. So I start panicking and start trying to yank it off of my face. But all I did was stretch my skin away from my scull. I could feel my lower eye lids being pulled away from my face. And the more I yanked the more of my face that got sucked in. So I start dancing with this thing, I'm jumping up and down yanking my hose for all its worth. And, of course, my dear friend is still out of sight because she is hooking up the pipes. So by now, I'm completely out of air and my lips are pulled so far down the hose that they have a throbbing pulse. All I could think about was I was going to die and Patty wouldn't even know about it. So I tried to twist it off but because it was damp the seal was perfect and all I did was twist my face around. Now I'm hyper-panicked, I have no air at all and I could feel that I was getting to the point where I had better get some air or I was a goner. So what does the helmet wearing SonyaAnn think to do. I flare my nostril. It sounded like a plan at the time. I so desperately wanted air that I would do just about anything. And really all I did was turn my face into a nose whistle. Dude, that was the most odd noise, I have ever heard in my entire life. And the strange noise reverberated threw my skull. And of course, I got no air. All I did was help increase the air flow for the hose. So now I'm smothering and whistling and dancing around with my lips that I was pretty sure that were at least a good six inches down the pipe. I would have hoped that my whistling noise would have been a good distress call but no. I continued to whistle and pull. I thought about trying to make a run for it to the other side of the pool but like I said before the pool was 18x33 and we were on opposite ends and there was a deck there too. I tried to close my lips but I no longer had control over them. I was panicking so terribly that I really couldn't think of much more. In the end, I managed to get my finger in the corner of my mouth and break the seal that way. It let go with one huge kiss noise. I flopped to the ground and gulped air. My lips burned and throbbed. My eyes felt cold from not being cover by my bottom eye lids for a while. But all that I cared about was the fact that I could breath. I was alive. It didn't matter that I had almost killed myself. I had once again gotten myself into another life or death situation and survived. I was so grateful to God. I sat on the ground and sucked in all of His glorious air. Patty walked around the corner and looked at me sitting on the ground. She cocked her head to the side, inquisitively and asked, "Why do you have a huge hickey around your mouth?"
Thanks for reading,

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