Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Save Me



I'm going to let everyone in on a slight tidbit of information about me, people think that I'm a nice person and that I care. To be completely honest, all of you are much closer to me than most in the "real" world. I consider my blog friends to be my closest friends. Mind you there are a couple of people like my BFF Donna that I couldn't live without and the poor thing knows me all to well.
All of that said, this is going to be the meanest rant that I have ever done. I'm so frustrated right now and I'm pretty sure that there isn't an answer on this one. If you have problems with cuss words, fuck you then well walk away.
I try to be a good person, I really do but something is happening to me. I'm not sure if its just because I'm getting older or if I've had more than my fair share of shit and I'm fed up. Not sure but something bad is on the horizon.
I practice what I like to call tactful avoidance. I try never to say or do anything that would ever hurt anyone's feelings. I also try to leave everyone feeling good about themselves. I like to lift people up. So if I am in a situation that someone is picking on me or trying to tear me down, I try and find a polite way to escape without saying anything. Mind you, if I do go off on someone, welp-you earned it and I have no problem sleeping at night. Which brings me back to my point, I don't say anything when people say snide things. I also don't say anything when they are talking about a subject that I don't find well, table worthy. I usually just blink a few times and then try to find a happy place in my mind and shut you out.
My tactics are no longer working and I need to come up with a new strategy. People think that I care and well, if you can't talk about something appropriate well then I am starting to feel the need to tell you that you are a retard. 
Case and point, a family reunion on Den's side. Ahhhhhhh, you say. Yes, now you get it. I love his family but we are now to the point that I feel the need to educate them. This last family get together, I kept it together. NO MORE! I have only said one thing to anyone on the Mott side and that was to his uncle. He wouldn't quit with the smart comments and sexual innuendos. I then felt that it was my duty to tell him that everyone knew he was hung like a little girl. He respects me now.
I would like to point out that I am not a proctologist and/or a gynecologist. Why does anyone feel the need to talk about this shit at the DINNER TABLE? Why? Please explain this to me. Why do people feel the need to trap me in a corner and tell me about every nook and cranny of their uterus? The only time I ever want to hear about your twat is if you are in the hospital and I have come to visit you. And even then, please keep it brief.
Here are a few examples of the ridiculous shit that I'm dealing with.
If you eat an entire plate of beans and then realize that you have a gynecologist appointment the next day, I don't want to hear about it. And I would like to add that that fucker is about to earn that $50 copay.
If the lining of your uteris is thin, this is not to be discussed while eating a salad.
If you fucking run into me at the mall and I'm having a pleasant girl's day out, don't trap me to talk about your bowel movements or the lack there of. I don't care.
And the sad thing is this is all true!
So here are my new guidelines-
If your breast are now expressing sperm-fucking great for you. I don't care!
If the lining of your penis walls are thinning-well laugh at you!
If you shit out the lucky charms midget-you god damn earned it. To be honest, I would probably stick around to watch that one. I would probably even tell you that god is punishing you for talking about your poop all the time.
Cereal anyone,
SonyaAnn

18 comments:

A.Marie said...

I am actually snorting, because I am laughing so hard. Oh.My.Word. They really talk about that kind of stuff? I'd have to inject them all with some type of tranquilizer, or put something in the after-dinner coffee/drink to just shut them all up!!! Seriously!!!!

You.Go.Girl...You.Are.My.Hero!

SonyaAnn said...

A.Marie-I'm honored that you chose me for your hero but don't act like me. I can't even imagine the kind of trouble that you would get into!

slugmama said...

WTF?!?lolol

This must be what it's like hanging out with old people. All you hear about is what is falling off/not working on them and their lists of surgeries and medications they are on. I have given my kids instructions to shoot me now! if I ever get like that.lol

I have a solution....it is what I practice here--don't associate/hang out with your or your hub's family.
Either that or pray for hearing loss.....

SonyaAnn said...

sluggy-I'm scaring myself at this point.
And yes, I have said to shoot me if I start talking about my problems. My kids would shoot me now if they thought that they could get away with it. Den would help.

Sheila said...

You're my hero too--I just keep my mouth shut and deal with all the crap. I don't have the courage to speak up-though sometimes I wish I could find my bobbles and say what needs to be said!! Take care.

SonyaAnn said...

Sheila-I don't think that it would end well though if I did tell everyone what I thought.
But I know what you are going through. Chin up!

Jill said...

Good for you speaking up...I am one that tends to hold it all in too and sometimes I think "i'm too nice" LOL

Mark said...

Apparently, my Mother In-Law, talked about her bowel movements for seven straight days. Luckily, I only understand a handful of French Words so I just sat there and nodded politely. Sadly, my oldest two could understand her. Suckers! That's what they get for being smart.
Great Post! And I love the Shitty twist to it.
m.

McVal said...

LOL! I think my sister's mil is at the point you are too... Well, I take that back. She's way over the edge and out the door. At her own husbands funeral, she told my father that she needed to sit all of his children down (not her own mind you) and educate them because he did a sucky job... I think her own husband was holding her back from ranting...
So please don't go that far!!!

As for people telling you out of the blue about their bms and what not... wow. You have an interesting sounding family and the dinner conversations must be out of this world!

Write a book about it! You can be the next Erma Bombeck.

SonyaAnn said...

Jill-Well, I have only spoken up a time or two but it didn't end well for the one on the receiving end.
Nice works for you! Me on the other hand......

SonyaAnn said...

Mark-You are so lucky that you missed out on all the fun! I feel sorry for your kids and I know their pain.

SonyaAnn said...

McVal-What is wrong with people? It seems that there is nothing that is off topic. Anything goes and it drives me nuts. I really don't know how to hand it anymore. It is making my skin crawl.

Jane said...

I bet you could hear a pin drop after your little bombshell - Hiroshima ain't got nothin' on you girl! If you're gonna talk about shit then you deserve whatever you get that's all I gotta say.

SonyaAnn said...

Jane-Thank you for the reinforcements! Still wondering what is wrong with people!

Frances said...

Oh, SonyaAnn, how have you been quiet for so long? I have no problem telling family members, on either side, that they are being disgusting.

And if you want to tell me about your bodily functions, wait until I get my medical degree, 'cause I want that copay.

SonyaAnn said...

Frances-I'll play doctor with you any day!

judy said...

Tonight a co worker took the time to tell me that her pocketbook cost 500.00 I looked at her and said "well for that I hope it gives great oral sex every night" and walked away.

I then though of you for some strange reason..lol. Ahhh the power of being in my fourties and just not caring what others thing anymore)(Oh and by the way I still cant spell

Judy

SonyaAnn said...

judy-That is funny!!! You are my hero for the day. And I love the fact that you thought of me after oral sex!!!! OK well after you said it!