Monday, May 6, 2013

The Joys of Teenage Sons

I am here to help you. Sometimes we learn by watching others and sometimes we just need to experience it first hand. I am here to enlighten you. Trust me, you will thank me for this one day.
I would like for everyone to experience what it is like to live with a teenage boy. I love him but I'm not real fond of him a lot of the time.
If you do not have a teenage boy and are thinking about having a son, your son is grown and you need a refresher, or you have a son that hasn't hit the teenage years, you need to prepare/learn.
And this is where I come in. Pick a few things off of the list and do them. For the people that don't have teenage sons, you will think this is a joke. For the people that have raised/are raising a teenage son, we know the truth.
* Fill 17 cups with various drinks. Leave them in different places around the house. Spill 2. Walk away like you didn't see a thing.
*Fall up the stairs.
*Stare blankly at someone giving you directions. Go blah, blah, blah in your head as they speak. Now try and do what they told you. Get mad and roll your eyes when you screw it up.
*Fall down the stairs.
*Chew off your fingernails and spit them around the house randomly. If you spit them in the kitchen, you get bonus points.
*Pretend you are a ninja, grab your mother in a choke hold and act as if you are going to punch her repeatedly in the kidneys. Forget that your arm is 5 inches longer than it used to be and actually punch her in the kidney. Act shocked and surprised when your kidney damaged mother, elbows you the stomach and calls you an ass.
*Eat an entire box of Little Debbie snack cakes and stuff all of the wrappers in between the couch cushions because it is too much trouble to get up.
*Scratch your balls. If you do not have balls, borrow someone else's. A pubic hair under your nail is a bonus.
*Reach your nut hair hand into a bag of Doritos.
*Trip while standing still. Bonus points if you fall on someone.
*Get mad when you have to take the trash out. Kick the can as you rip the garbage bag out. Split the bag open and in one fluid motion, scatter garbage across the kitchen. Added points, if you can get coffee grounds on the wall. Mega bonus points, if you only clean up half of what spilled and leave the rest for someone else.
*Flush your damned cell phone! Have your kidney damaged mother shove her arm down the toilet trying to retrieve it. Be mad because life isn't fair and you don't have a phone. Don't think about the fact that someone has their flipping arm in the toilet after you have done god knows what in it.
*Straighten your ass up when your father gets home and has to tear out the damned toilet! Act as if you are going to help even though you aren't.
*Get mad because you have to unload the dishwasher. Dump everything in the wrong place and continue to do so until someone threatens to stab you with a fork.
*Eat White Castles and beans-fart in a glass jar, put the lid on. Heat the jar to 350 degrees for 5 hours. Take your hot fart jar to the smallest room in your house. Place it in the center of the room and take the lid off. Now close the door and don't open the door until company comes over.(I want you to know what it smells like to live with a teenage boy.)
*Don't brush your teeth.
*Rub yourself down with a bean burrito and then don't bathe for a week.(Again, your house and person should stink if you want to know what it is like.)
*Laugh at fart jokes and boobies.
I'm sure that I missed a few or that I am just blocking it out.
Needs to drink,
Sonya Ann
PS-My computer was killed by a lightening storm on Thursday night. Trust me this has been a mess. The good news is I have a new computer, the bad news is I can barely use it. Windows 8 sucks. I promise that I will be around to visit everyone. It is just going to take me a while to figure out how to get there! But the love I have for you is still there.


ChiTown Girl said...

Oh my hell, this had me laughing out loud!! YES! This is EXACTLY what it's like. Hey, mine will be 20 soon, so since he won't technically be a "teenager" anymore, does this mean all this will stop? Wait, don't answer that....I can't handle it...

Cheapchick said...

I have three stepsons who have lived on and off with us (two are in college now) and you have nailed it. What about looking at pictures of poop on the internet, they did that too (my husband even joined in on that)

Frances said...

Interesting. I guess my experience with a teenage boy was the odd one. Pretty much none of this applied. Hmmm....I will thank Chance for being such a good boy!

Sonya Ann said...

ChiTown Girl-I think it will continue until they get a wife. But sometimes I wonder if even that will help DJ.

Sonya Ann said...

Cheapchick-It is so sad that we can all relate. And I will not even bring up the poop pictures to my boys for fear of giving them any ideas.

Sonya Ann said...

Frances-Ok, you can stop bragging now.

D.Lynn said...

It's really a wonder that the human race hasn't become extinct! Seriously, were it not for the intestinal fortitude of us women, we (as humans) would be doomed! And guys, while you'll never admit're welcome!

Sonya Ann said...

D.Lynn-Amen sister!!!

Jane said...

OMG this is so funny...sad, but Funny with a capital F!! Now I don't feel so bad about nearly drying my face with my daughter's hair extensions!!

Theresa McG said...

Hahahahaha - did that toilet thing really happen and is that photo really from your bathroom? My 17 year old son suddenly seems so dreamy - he only does 1/2 that stuff. His favorite maneuver is to go into the pantry (which is the size of broom closet) and stand there yelling at me about how he cannot find some food item until I come and point it out right at his eye level!

Sonya Ann said...

Jane-At least the hair extensions were clean. They were clean, weren't they?

Sonya Ann said...

Theresa McG-He really did flush his phone. He does the most frustration and filthy things. UGH boys!!!

Anonymous said...

I am a mom of two teenage sons. This is one of the funniest things I have ever read...was laughing out loud. Copy and pasted it to send to a couple of my sons' friends' moms! Thanks for making my day and writing the truth so well. :)

Sonya Ann said...

Anonymous-I'm glad that you liked it. I'm shipping the boy off to college this year so maybe my house will smell better. LOL