Monday, May 6, 2013
The Joys of Teenage Sons
I would like for everyone to experience what it is like to live with a teenage boy. I love him but I'm not real fond of him a lot of the time.
If you do not have a teenage boy and are thinking about having a son, your son is grown and you need a refresher, or you have a son that hasn't hit the teenage years, you need to prepare/learn.
And this is where I come in. Pick a few things off of the list and do them. For the people that don't have teenage sons, you will think this is a joke. For the people that have raised/are raising a teenage son, we know the truth.
* Fill 17 cups with various drinks. Leave them in different places around the house. Spill 2. Walk away like you didn't see a thing.
*Fall up the stairs.
*Stare blankly at someone giving you directions. Go blah, blah, blah in your head as they speak. Now try and do what they told you. Get mad and roll your eyes when you screw it up.
*Fall down the stairs.
*Chew off your fingernails and spit them around the house randomly. If you spit them in the kitchen, you get bonus points.
*Pretend you are a ninja, grab your mother in a choke hold and act as if you are going to punch her repeatedly in the kidneys. Forget that your arm is 5 inches longer than it used to be and actually punch her in the kidney. Act shocked and surprised when your kidney damaged mother, elbows you the stomach and calls you an ass.
*Eat an entire box of Little Debbie snack cakes and stuff all of the wrappers in between the couch cushions because it is too much trouble to get up.
*Scratch your balls. If you do not have balls, borrow someone else's. A pubic hair under your nail is a bonus.
*Reach your nut hair hand into a bag of Doritos.
*Trip while standing still. Bonus points if you fall on someone.
*Get mad when you have to take the trash out. Kick the can as you rip the garbage bag out. Split the bag open and in one fluid motion, scatter garbage across the kitchen. Added points, if you can get coffee grounds on the wall. Mega bonus points, if you only clean up half of what spilled and leave the rest for someone else.
*Flush your damned cell phone! Have your kidney damaged mother shove her arm down the toilet trying to retrieve it. Be mad because life isn't fair and you don't have a phone. Don't think about the fact that someone has their flipping arm in the toilet after you have done god knows what in it.
*Straighten your ass up when your father gets home and has to tear out the damned toilet! Act as if you are going to help even though you aren't.
*Get mad because you have to unload the dishwasher. Dump everything in the wrong place and continue to do so until someone threatens to stab you with a fork.
*Eat White Castles and beans-fart in a glass jar, put the lid on. Heat the jar to 350 degrees for 5 hours. Take your hot fart jar to the smallest room in your house. Place it in the center of the room and take the lid off. Now close the door and don't open the door until company comes over.(I want you to know what it smells like to live with a teenage boy.)
*Don't brush your teeth.
*Rub yourself down with a bean burrito and then don't bathe for a week.(Again, your house and person should stink if you want to know what it is like.)
*Laugh at fart jokes and boobies.
I'm sure that I missed a few or that I am just blocking it out.
Needs to drink,
PS-My computer was killed by a lightening storm on Thursday night. Trust me this has been a mess. The good news is I have a new computer, the bad news is I can barely use it. Windows 8 sucks. I promise that I will be around to visit everyone. It is just going to take me a while to figure out how to get there! But the love I have for you is still there.