Monday, December 30, 2013
5 Minutes in the Life
We have caught/lassoed/captured/returned this dog twice to a new neighbor. The first time Den got the little stinker and all was fine, the second time DJ was in charge. Sit back, relax and enjoy the catastrophe.
We needed to get salt for the driveway so I sent DJ to get 200lbs. Look, the boy is always bragging about how strong he is. So I sent him to get the damned salt. Oh and I forgot to tell you, there will be enough swears in here for an entire navel base. You have been warned.
He pulls/slides into the driveway and finds the above rottie(this was the picture I took the first time Den found him-I thought that we might need to put up posters). So what would you do if you found a Rott in your driveway? Would you call for help? Scream? Shoo it away? Call the police? Help find its owner? None of the above if you are a 17 year old boy!!! You usher the stray rottweiler into your house. And let me tell you, he ran in the house like he owned the joint!
And this is where all hell broke loose!
I'm in the front room and the rottweiler came screaming towards me. At the same time DJ yells quite happily, "I FOUND A DOG!" I love dogs and I've owned a rot and a wolf so I'm not afraid of dogs. Plus I pretty quickly surmised that this was the same dog from up the road. I bet I didn't have the same reaction that most people would have had though. Anyways, I go to grab the dogs collar. He was quicker than he looks and I'm slower than I look. Wait, that didn't come out right.
At this point, I'm none to happy with DJ. I call out, "Get the damned leash!!!!"
DJ starts tearing apart the cabinet under the sink. And he is making a huge mess, I might add.
And this would be the point where our 5 pound cat decided to attack a 90ish pound rottweiler. Sue, our declawed and denutted cat, decided to go after the dog on the stairs. The rottie spotting a new friend bounds past me and heads for his new friend. The dog didn't seem angry or upset just ridiculously excited and STRONG. I bravely yell out, "HELP ME!"
Anna was downstairs and heard me scream for help. As she is running towards me, she glanced in the laundry room and yells out, "WE ARE TAKING ON WATER!" Because we are the Titanic at that moment. So she stops and goes in the laundry room. Water was everywhere. And because I could tell that the cat was about to die I called out, "LEAVE IT AND FUCKING HELP ME!"
She runs up the stairs and is staring at our newly found dog and is extremely confused, "When did we get a dog?"
Because I care so much about my son's self-esteem I said, "Your dumb ass brother found the dog and let him in! Grab the god damned cat!"
So DJ and Anna go to separating the two animals and I go to try and find the leash. I found it and got the dog on the leash and drug him to the back door. I turned to my son and lovingly said, "You and the dog need to get the hell out of here!"
DJ and the dog left. I took a deep breath and walked downstairs to my flooded laundry room. Oh and did I tell you that the dog slobbered?
5 minutes from crazy,