Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Tired Slide

I am so tired but that is a gross understatement. Crushed might be the word.
First off, I really missed you guys. You are much nicer and a lot less demanding than certain people that I have dumped off at college.
Where to start, where to start?
It's been a week of non-stop moving. I won't even go into the fighting we did last Tuesday trying to get that lazy and unorganized child's stuff into my van. Anna had her stuff sorted and ready to go a week before college started. It was because she so desperately want to escape us. DJ is either lazy or wanted to stay. I'm going to go with lazy.

So as we were haulin' ass through Chicago on Wednesday, I spotted this wonderful "fried something" fair stand.
I slowed down traffic so that DJ could get the side picture. I was laughing so hard and kept saying that I was going to kill us trying to get a perfect shot. DJ finally stopped complaining and started laughing and taking pictures. He couldn't understand someone getting so excited over fried food. Hey, I didn't make them stop or anything.

After the wonderful fry truck, it was pretty smooth sailing. We made it in about 6 hours to Ball State. We checked into the hotel and then decided to search for dinner. Well, I actually decided what we were eating. I love Waffle House and we don't have any by us so I said we would both love to eat there.
And then the shit went south.
I love my son and I try to be a supportive mother but I am being completely honest when I say he is a terrible driver. And he knows it so he drives close to home. The problem is he now wants to take his car to college. He has never driven on a tollway or an interstate. So I decided to change this and MAKE him drive us the 30 minutes to the Waffle House and back. Dumb fuck should be tattooed on my forehead.
I took a deep breath and started to calmly talk to him about paying attention while driving 70. He decided that 70 MPH was too fast and he would do 55 MPH in the fast lane. Things started poorly. He is just a very nervous person and we often say that he better get a fun wife or he will stroke out by the time he is 30. He is stressed all of the time.
I think the only reason that he hasn't gotten into an accident as of yet is because he is A.) going slow all of the time, as in half the speed limit. B.) everyone else is paying attention. C.) Divine intervention.
I'm sure that he has had some close calls that I don't know about.
After getting in the slow lane and calming down, he seemed to be ok with it and I was seriously thinking about giving him the car. Maybe I was the one shaking his confidence by telling him that he was a bad driver.
Then I got a refresher course on his driving.
A semi was broken down on the side of the road so I told him to change lanes since the tow truck driver was behind the semi and was working on hooking it up.
When he went to change lanes, some ass cut him off. So instead of taking a deep breath and watching the road, he keeps looking out the driver's window to get over and veers off the road and is about to run us into the back of the tow truck. All I could think was, we are all dead.
I screamed "STOP." Normally GOOD drivers will slowly press the break and look. Not my boy, he locks them up while we are half off the road before he even knew what was happening.
Mind you, this entire incident only lasted a few seconds but it seemed like it went on for at least, 10 minutes. Pure terror slows time.
Being half off the road, he stomped the breaks while there was gravel under the tires. The over-packed van was just not built for that kind of abuse plus the weight of all of his crap SHIFTED us SIDEWAYS.
I am not kidding when I say that I felt my side of the van lift up. Yup, we were about to flip.
He went from off the road on the right to the right lane and then into the fast lane, then back again.
He managed to right the van once he got us back on the road and thank all that is good and holy that all the other drivers backed way the hell off. He had the entire road to himself in about 2 seconds flat.
HE'S NOT GETTING THE FUCKING CAR was the only thought in my mind after that mess.
Then he snapped at me about how my yelling doesn't help matters. He almost died twice in under a minute. I wanted to pinch his head off but I was too afraid that he really would kill us if I distracted him.

The Waffle House meal was not all that I had hoped for. Perhaps near-death distracts from the taste.  Notice its not a real clear picture, well that's because I was shaking 30 minutes later.

And because I have a death wish, I made him drive us back. Mind you, he didn't want to but he really needs to know how to drive on the interstate. He is fine if he is going under 35 and did great in town but you hit 40 MPH with him and just pray to your God for help.
We went poking around after our near-death experience and meal. I found nothing at Goodwill in Muncie but it was something to do. And DJ felt bad for snapping at me so he was all chatty and willing to do whatever I wanted. I should have suggested some fucking driving lessons.
The next morning we moved DJ in without any problems. He even managed to back into a parking space like an expert. But there were 4 cops there and I think that fear had something to do with his improved driving skills. Maybe that's the key to him becoming a better driver, I need a gun.
And since I was picking all my favorite places to eat, we stopped at Captain D's after he was all sorted. Nothing like loading up on a vat of tea before you hit the open road.
I love him. I don't want to ride in a van with him again but he is a good kid. I miss him already. My van does not miss him.

I hit the road later than I wanted and with a full bladder. Hmmm, odd how the only bathroom that I could find was at the casino. I'll just say that it was an expensive piss and leave it at that. I did not stay long.

I knew that I was going to hit traffic on my trip home but I had no idea what a mess I was stepping into. The problem is there is a time change so I normally hit rush hour in Indianapolis and then I shift back an hour and get to hit another city at rush hour.

But who knew there would be a 2 hour detour. Yes, it was crap. But I did get to spend some time in the middle of nowhere. At one point, I thought that I should just abandon the van and live in the woods/fields. I had been watching Fat Guys in the Woods and figured I had enough knowledge to make it for a day lifetime.
I made it home very late Thursday and super tired. I hate move ins. Only two more times of moving DJ in and then I am free. Thank God Almighty, almost free at last.
Friday, I had to get up and take my neighbor to get her wisdom teeth pulled. When Den got his wisdom teeth out, he was drugged out of his gourd and told me to tell the tooth fairy that he wanted a blowjob and a new truck. When they were putting Anna under to get her teeth out, I told her that I would be doing the surgery. As DJ was going under, I told him he was there for a sex change. When my neighbor woke up, I told her she was pregnant. I'm a nice person like that.
Maybe I have all these problems in my life because I'm a shit. Karma watches me more than most people, I think.

Honestly, Saturday and Sunday were sort of a blur. I did some yard word and paid bills.
Den and I tried to help our poor little tomato plants and I yanked out the run away dill.
I did manage to find this cute little birdcage at a garage sale for $2. I'm going to put a flower in it. It will be the only plant in the yard that the chipmunks can't get to to bury their seeds in.
I also managed to find a solar powered pump for my little water fall. I'm going to sit outside and listen to the peaceful sounds of trickling water while I drink. I deserve it after this week.
Top that,
Sonya Ann


Janie Junebug said...

I'll never ask you to take me in for surgery. God only knows what you might tell me: "The surgeon will remove all the grammar from your brain." Sometimes our kids learn to be better drivers when they are on their own, and we aren't there to yell instruction. Then they have to figure it out for themselves. But some people never learn to drive.


Sonya Ann said...

Janie-I honestly think that he needs someone with a gun sitting next to him. He went from damned scary to a champ in the blink of an eye.
And I'm sure that I would come up with something lovely to say to you after surgery.

slugmama said...

You are taking your life into your hands letting that boy drive you around.
Next time get liquored up first and you won't mind the ride at all....and more the better to be anesthetized with booze when he kills you both. ;-)

Just say no to the car at school for another year.
Next time you are lost somewhere in a cornfield in IN just point the van east and COME HIDE FROM LIFE WITH ME!!!

I am so glad you are not road kill yet cousin.....

Anne in the kitchen said...

Thank you for the laugh! 2 of my three sons are very good drivers and always were, but Son3 is the exceptional one here. He has no fear and believes the rules of the road apply mainly to others, not him. I am very thankful he is in school in NYC so having a car is not an issue.(Good thing it is not an issue since we sold his right after he went to school there) . Our hope is that he decides to live in the city after he graduates and will never have a car again.

Sit down, enjoy the gurgle of the fountain while drinking (heavily if needed)

Jane said...

I'm not even going to try to top that! I'd had to literally die to top that story and I'm not willing to do that even for you. Next time you drive with DJ I suggest a helmet!

Treaders said...

Oh my goodness, and of course what EVERY nervous driver needs is mom yelling instructions isn't it. One of my brothers is a very nervous type. In fact we think he is on the autistic spectrum but was never diagnosed in his younger days (he is 67 now). And since dad taught us all to drive my mom saw it as a little trip out when someone was getting a lesson. So then you would have nervous/autistic brother, dad, mom and little sister all tagging along for the ride. I wonder why it took him 3 attempts to pass his test.

But I do think your son is a real good sport for allowing you to write about his escapades. Well done lad!

Elephant's Child said...

And sitting outside listening to that cute fountain would give my bladder ideas. Lots of ideas.
Here's to sleep and a better week.

spymay said...

Thank God it's not just my children. We had to make my oldest son get his license and although he is in college away from home, he has no desire to drive. He says it makes him nervous.And I swear my daughter(who only has her permit) is trying to kill me in the car.
Were we this bad when we started driving??

SAM said...

I don;t know what we did, but the first two have been excellent drivers, and I take advantage of the chauffeuring when they were around. I'm already nervous though about kid three. I do not miss college move it. We used to do the from St Paul to Milwaukee, unpack, eat, get a few provisions, and back to St paul in a day. 11 hours on the road total, plus the in between. I had drinks for you on Friday, and I think I may still feel them today.

Jill said...

Out of all that.... I am just seriously glad you are all ok and unharmed! That is quite a close call....think God had the wheel on that one. :-)

Sending you lots of blessings!!!


Sonya Ann said...

sluggy-They say people that are liquored up during a crash survive more often, you may be on to something.
I'm really, really, really thinking about saying NO for the rest of his life!!!!
And thank you, I'm glad that I'm not road kill either. Yet.

Sonya Ann said...

Anne in the kitchen-Anna was our kid that was always on the go and for the most part she was a good driver. I have no issues with her now, well about the driving anyways. When she was learning, she just wanted to please us so that we would give her the car. In some ways, DJ wants the car and in others maybe not so much.

Sonya Ann said...

Jane-I think that I will just do all of the driving. He's not too bad if he knows where he is going but I really don't know what would happen if he got lost. Burn down the city?

Sonya Ann said...

Treaders-Ummm I am ashamed to say that the lad does not know about what I write. He would probably be a tad bit unhappy if he knew what I said. I don't tell any of the family what I write. They probably wouldn't want to be around me if they knew. Hey wait, I may be on to something.
I can't even imagine what a crazy ride you went on. Den took Anna out one time and they didn't even make it down the road and she turned around and came right back home. ONE TIME! She walked in the door shaking her head and said, nope he isnt talking to me like that. Den walked in behind her and had an embarrassed look on his face. He yelled at her and they weren't even going 20 MPH.

Sonya Ann said...

Elephant's Child-I can feel the stress easing away since he is gone. Or maybe that is just because he is not here to make a mess. That is probably it.

Sonya Ann said...

spymay-YOur comment helped me. I thought that maybe it was just DJ. The traffic around this area is fierce so I can understand why he gets worked up but still he is bad. It seems to be a lot of girls that want to go go go and the boys are content with not driving. Maybe it is because the girls want to socialize more.

Sonya Ann said...

SAM-Thank you so much for drinking for me. Its kind of like a prayer chain but with booze.
SO you know the craziness of the long haul drop offs. I can do it in one day if its a pick up or drop off but it takes hours and hours to get his dorm put together. Anna would let me put the stuff in her room and then she wanted to go out to lunch. She wanted to set up her room her own way. Or maybe she just never got around to organizing.

Sonya Ann said...

Jill-I'm just really torn about the car thing. I would drive it to him and he would have to keep it in town. Den said it is stupid to bring him the car, he could use the bus. Kids, they make us nuts.

Cheapchick said...

That story reminds me of trying to teach my stepdaughter to drive in the 3 months she was here. She nearly head-ond us and scared herself so bad she decided she doesn't want to learn how to drive (I am really not sure she ever will now that she moved out). You definitely deserve a drink or four!

We are: Clamco said...

Wow, this post was so long, it took me two days to have enough time to read it. What a trip! And I mean that in every sense of the word. My 20 year old daughter has no desire to learn to drive. It saddens me, but driving isn't exactly something you can force a person to do if they don't want to.

MiserlyMac said...

DJ reminds me so much of my two boys, adorable yet a character! You are a super great Mom! Give yourself a reward after your harrowing week of adventure! I am glad your back,
I always miss you when you're gone!

Sonya Ann said...

Cheapchick-I plan on having a few cocktails this weekend and just kicking back.
It seems that some people just aren't cut out for driving. And that is great if their is public transportation. The system around here just isn't that great.

Sonya Ann said...

We are: Clamco-It took a while to write. I can be quite long winded at times. You should meet me in real life, I don't shut up.
It's probably best not to force someone that isn't ready to drive or doesn't want to drive. DJ is the perfect example of that.

Sonya Ann said...

MiserlyMac-You, my dear friend, make my day when you leave comments. Thank you.
It is such an amazing ride when you have kids, that same ride can cause you to drink too.

rivulet said...

um... WOAH!!! I vote C.) that boy has some serious divine intervention on his side. Just going 55 in the slow lane on the interstate could get you killed. WOAH!

I'm glad everyone is safe, that you made it home in one piece and didn't decide to get fat in the woods, and I think you need a nice long tropical vacation after all that. Go drink somewhere calm and relaxing why don't you (for at least a month)!

Frances said...

So glad you made it home alive. We have a child that was a bad driver too. She may still be, but we don't have to ride with her. LOL!

Sonya Ann said...

rivulet-I agree, a nice long trip away from home is much deserved. It probably won't happen but it is nice to think about!
I don't know what to tell about Divine intervention cuz it felt like the devil was at the wheel.

Sonya Ann said...

Frances-You made me laugh-no really! I may just have to give up and not ride with the boy anymore. My MIL said she would have had a fit and made him pull over and let her drive or she said she would have walked. My sweet MIL was also the one that yelled "SHE IS GOING TO KILL US ALL!" when Anna was driving. It is probably best that she isn't a driving instructor.