Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Coming Undone

I'm going to be honest, I'm in a pissy mood. You may want to keep me and your computer at arm's length.
Last weekend, started with the beam deciding to lose faith and start to descend. It's not a load bearing beam, thank goodness, but it wasn't safe by any means. How do you fix this, you ask? Den glued it but of course.
And since he had the glue out.....................................
He decided to glue the trim back. If we ever sell this house, don't buy it. Glue and duct tape is all that's holding it together.
And now on to the real story.........................
Den and I are power-watching Once Upon A Time. It's the indoor season, what can I say.
Anywho, I went to bed Saturday night all TVed out and woke up at about 2am with terrible back pains. It was so bad that I couldn't breath and was sobbing. It was like a band all around my back. The pain was so bad that I started vomiting. I've made peace with God twice because I thought that I was going to pass, this was the second time.
I woke Den up and asked for help. He suggested that we go to the ER. My response was, "I'm not giving those fuckers $300 to tell me I'm depressed." Faith in the American health care system.
I learned a few things this weekend. My husband should not be in the medical field EVER. You will get about 15 minutes of kindness and then he gets rude. I love him, please never let him take care of me if I'm really bad off.
I tried the heating pad and nothing was helping. Once Den realized that I would rather die than go to the ER, he ran out and bought a massager. Within twenty minutes of him using that on my back, the pain let up. I have no idea what I did to my spine but I did it good.
We both went to bed and woke up around 1pmish on Sunday. My back hurt for the rest of the day. Den decided to get some supplies for dinner and look for a battery operated pain therapy stick-on thingy. Mind you, he got lost going to Target which he has passed over and over and over but hey, he was trying to help me. Actually, he said, I'm not doing this shit with you another night.
He bought a knee pain kit. I stare blankly at him often. He said they were out of the back kits and this should work. He then went on to wonder what would happen if he stuck it to my girl parts. To which I said, I wonder what it will be like when I set your head on fire. Feel the love.
He managed to stick the thing to my back not my girly parts and proceeded to crank it up. A few things happened at the same time, I squealed, my right arm shot out and my left knee buckled. I fell forward on the table and Den couldn't help right away because of him laughing so hard. He finally managed to turn it down to an acceptable level. That said these things work quite well. But I was still in pain so I decided to help myself. I found some of the painkillers that DJ had from getting his wisdom teeth out. I took one with a cocktail. I waited an hour and nothing. I decided norco is for pussies and took a Vicodin and rinsed it down with two more cocktails. An hour later and NOTHING! I dosed myself with two more cocktails and added some Benadryl sprinkles and I finally felt a bit relaxed and went to bed. Who knew I would sleep through the night?
I had a killer headache the next morning. I know what you are going to say, that I did enough drugs to give Aerosmith a run for their money in their drug days. Which I won't rule out but every time I move my head, there is this odd grinding noise and stabbing pains. I think my problem is my spine.
SO what did you learn from this post? Den is a bit of a sadistic dick when it comes to caring for the ill. Don't let me dose your meds. But hey, the beam is still in place. Well its being held up by a jake and a board but I have to find some good in my life, right?
Sonya Ann


slugmama said...

The daughter who has chronic back pain swears by the chiropractor and those tens units....well, her fancy more expensive one.

Forget Vegas, we need to book you on a flight to Costa Rica and get you fixed up!
LMK if there is something I can do besides pop pills and drink in sympathy.

Janie Junebug said...

I'm sorry you've been in such pain. I have to take a lot of drugs before they do me any good. I can relate to your experiences. Instead of glue and duct tape, maybe you should chew some bubble gum and use it to hold your house together.


Elephant's Child said...

Actuall using the glue and the duct tape counts as house proud over here some days.
Hope the pain is gone.

Anonymous said...

The band of pain and the severity of it sounds just like the pain I had with gall stones. I too thought it was back pain. It was so painful and you usually can link the severe flair ups to eating food with a little more fat in it. I switched to super lowfat diet and had little pain in the time leading up to having my gallbladder removed. Again, the way you described the pain was exactly what I experienced. Melissa

Jenny Woolf said...

Grinding noise - that sounds like something's out of kilter. But you know something no blog followers can really diagnose this stuff. Do they have GPs where you are? Here in the UK they're the next port of call if you dont go to the ER. They're supposed to be trained to be able to tell gallbladder issues from dislocated spines. Or so they say. BTW don't be tempted to let Den loose on you with the duct tape. I'm sorry the sum total of my advice isn't that knowledgable and I hope you're better soon.

Jill said...

Sorry you are in so much pain..... I hope it subsides soon. I'm so thankful it wasn't the beam that fell on you.... :-)

Anne in the kitchen said...

So sorry you are in pain, but your retelling made me laugh. Hope it is done as quickly as it began.

ND Chic said...

This sucks for you but it does make for a comical story. I don't think most men are good at caring for I'll people. I can't believe you were able to take so many narcotics with alcohol and not be affected. That is a miracle in itself.

Practical Parsimony said...

That beam sound really dangerous until I realized it was decorative. Hey, if you used Gorilla glue, that portion is the strongest portion of your house. The nails will fail, Gorilla glue won't.

The debilitating pain does sound like my gallbladder pain does some days. But, the grinding?

My uncle accidentally overdosed on booze and pills. Be careful.

Den sounds so nurturing! NOT!

We are: Clamco said...

The worst backache I ever had was when I had shingles. It was like you described...a band around my back. Heads up if you notice a red rash or little red bumps in the next few days. Hope you get some relief.

Sonya Ann said...

Melissa-It is odd that you say that because we had a super fatty dinner. We never eat like that but we had bacon, sausage, and sausage gravy and biscuits. Thank you for the heads up.
Our running joke in this house is that you would get better care from a random person on the streets than you would using our health insurance. Sad but oh so true.

Cheapchick said...

OMFG girlfriend, time to go to the doctor. If nothing else you will probably spend that much on these home remedies, and perhaps he can give you seriously good drugs that you don't have to mix with something else!

kate steeper said...

I feel your pain...my OH shouldnt be allowed to care for a hamster let alone another human. Ive been laid on the floor screaming and his response , pick up the car keys and run . Funnily enough he had the same ideas when he got a tens machine as your partner ...mmmm different continent bred in the same tank?

McVal said...

Oh you poor woman!!! I need to go find some ibuprofen just reading this! And of course, duck for beams...
My dad used to say, "Here, I'll give you something to cry about!" lol! He kind of reminds me of Den.